wow.
I feel like taking a few days away from my blog is
terrifying.
a lot has happened since my last post.
I guess the biggest challenge has been my Harriet the Spy moment.
Michelle Trachtenberg (currently of villainous Gossip Girl fame) played Miss Harriet the Spy back in the 90s, next to Rosie O'Donnell.
In Harriet the Spy, Michelle Trachtenberg gets her diary busted into by her whole grade three class.
They find out all her secrets.
Fast forward to 2009-present. Michelle Trachtenberg plays the horrible, mean-spirited, gorgeous but devious
Georgina Sparks who lies, spies and cheats.
Need a refresher? You can watch the videos to help jog your memory.
Start at 6:50:
and then what cute little harriet became (0:00- 1:15):
i was on a scary path.
I was Harriet, and well on my way to Georgina Sparks territory.
So I did what Harriet didn't:
I came clean.
fessed up
before I got caught.
The worst thing about shedding all your lies is picking up the pieces after.
number of people friends who have opted to ditch out on me in the last year: 3 (at least)
that's the worst part. I think that I can control all these different scenarios, but I can't.
I lie and manipulate and tell half-truths, and when that doesn't work?
i run like hell out of winnipeg.
.ugh.
but. I do feel better for it. For finally telling the truth to people about who and what I am. I wish this was a teen romance movie and I could follow up the last sentence with: "a vampire".
but it's not. i'm just an old lame scaredy cat who doesn't want to hurt people's feelings & who tries to control situations so that no one ever really knows what's going on with me.
This is terribly convoluted.
apologies.
in short (is it too late?): telling the truth hurts and sucks. even best friends can't be expected to hang on if you are never honest with them
never tell them anything about yourself
hide things
sigh. it's a big lesson.
Nicolas and I both had an acupuncture appointment on Friday morning followed by brunch at Casa del Popolo - my favourite resto-bar in Montreal so far. We've been there before. This time was extra special because I was so down-in-the-dumps and it felt nice to talk. At the end, I asked if he thought I was a bad person. If he judged me.
he said he didn't.
& I believed him.
& it's hard to find people who just don't judge
The acupuncture was my second appointment, and I haven't felt any huge shifts or changes, though the certified acupuncturist did tell me it may take a few appointments. He's a lovely man from France (whose accent I understand well enough to speak with him strictly in French. Which is good, because communication seems key when I have needles in my wrists, feet, chest, and head!)
I'm hoping. wishing. waiting. that this will be a significant step for me in my battle against anxiety.
I'm also muchos busy in other ways right now. First on the plate is wrapping up school (4 essays to do by April 28th)
Booking flight to Uganda with my mum and, as of today, my Kwagala partner and longest friend LEIGH!!!
SO excited. It'll be her first time even though she's been part of Kwagala from the start. So that means planning a trip in Uganda for a newbie!
Then, my mother, who knows just when "enough is enough" for me, has decided that a 10-day tour through wine country France is just what is needed for two ladies.
The $400 seat sale from Montreal-Paris return helps!
Thank Agnostic God for my Mum and her sixth sense. Anyway for a trip that includes Uganda and France, it's less than $2000 per person. How lucky am I to spend a month with two of my favourite people?
I say it often but it really is true:
the world balances out for us.
Speaking of friends and balance, a dear friend has really pulled through in the last little bit. We met in university and became instant friends - so much so that we butted heads sister-style.
incredibly though she is someone who knows all those terrible things about me. calls me on them.
& then is still there at the end of the day for me.
it's been really nice to have her daily texts, emails, tweets.
Anyway, her world's been balanced out because she is doing this project called Project Peace, that will profile 12-15 young people doing enormous things with their lives. I love the way she puts it
"telling the stories about the people who are too humble to tell it themselves".
So by next February she will have a BOOK! and it already is shaping up to look monumental.
(I would say I'm biased because she profiled Kwagala in it, but I also know her end goal is so incredible, and her project seems so cool that I'm putting my bias aside just this once!)
Her name is Dani. To find out more about Project Peace please look up the blog at:
projectpeacecanada.wordpress.com
Also in balance's news:
I woke up with an ear infection this morning. It wasn't so much the pain that bothered me as the dizziness! I literally collided with the wall at 10:15 this morning. It was problematic timing because I'd signed up for my very first photography lesson with a beautiful Russian woman willing to take me under her wing! It was scheduled for 14:00 (so Russian) and she wasn't too impressed that I bailed only three hours before.
However, she has given me a second chance so Monday night I start my FIRST EVER PHOTOGRAPHY LESSONS!!!
So month plan:
-school & homework
-finish up the internship
-go to uganda
-go to france
-start photography lessons
-get a visit from my step mother!
-behave myself. become more whole. be the better person i want to be, even if it's scary
-take chances
-find a job
-find a kitten
-just kidding
-but not really.
This is getting impossibly long. But do you know what feels nice? Seeing how many people are looking at this site. Especially since I don't talk to many people anymore.
Don't be strangers - comment away, even if your comments are anonymous!
unh.
i know i'm doing the right thing. i know i am.
it just sucks.
this is a creating-phase.
i am creating the life i want and need to live.
learning curve.
i'm going to go paint my nails and read textbooks.
a photographic post to come after my first photography lesson? oh yes!
.xox.
à bientôt
k
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