just calling to hear the answering machine greeting.

i'm spinning. 

i'm trying to find home in myself but i don't know how to right now.

i feel worthless. the only thing I thought I know how to do, I failed at. The only thing that came to me naturally, ever, I fail and fail and fail at.

I'm trying to feel strong. I'm trying to be the best everything I can be and I realize that no matter what I do 

i'm what's wrong

I don't understand how my life came so unraveled so quickly and I'm sitting in a new house and I don't have anything of my own and I'm just watching seconds pass by and wondering how I ended up here and how to not close my eyes and get back into where I was.

I miss everything and I just need to keep not thinking. I hate not thinking because it's the only thing I can do

I can think and I can love and I have nowhere to go with my thoughts because they always end up back at the same place.

I would say I feel empty but I'm filled with a lot of pain right now, so I know I'm not empty.

i am trying and failing and trying and failing and trying and failing and I don't have it in me anymore to try just to fail and yet the only thing I can do is try. 

I literally take each thought as it comes and mentally pick it up and throw it away.

if i stop for too long then thoughts flood me.

curiosity floods me.

fuck.

I hurt.all.over. and I never asked for this. I never wanted this.

I want my old life back and I can never have it back.

I deleted over 3000 pictures yesterday

it feels like everything I worked at and tried to do for the last 8 months failed.

I failed. 

and

all I know is that now I have this horrible feeling. this hard spot in my chest

and i wish it wasn't there

and i don't know how to repair it

and i don't know what to do

or where to go

or who to see

or when it will stop.

k