up and down and up and down

i hate this.

up: i made it to montreal

down: it's a lot of work

up: I have a job

down: I'm in the doghouse there, and am being punished by only being scheduled once all week

up: I have a place to live

down: none of my stuff will be here for a few days

up: I don't want to be bitter

down: I am.

up: I spoke my mind

down: so did he.

an hour ago I wanted to blog "go ahead world, send anything my way, I can CLEARLY handle it"

but I can't handle it all.

I'm so angry and hurt.

a lie of omission - a life of omission.
"i didn't kick you out"

it's true. i was just left with no other options. it was a process of elimination.
ironic that the last song I ever listened to in our old place was this:

what it is and where it stops nobody knows

you gave me a life I never chose

I wanna leave but the world won't let me go

i miss my bestfriend.
miss it all, actually.

Winnipeg was great and sorrowful and weird and wonderful. I met new people (even people I'd met before had changed so radically, it was just like meeting new people); I saw old friends, newish friends. I dealt with crises, and enjoyed the simplicity of routine and familiarity. I lived out of a suitcase, but it was in my old room at my mum's house and so it didn't feel like living in a suitcase.

montreal is now my home.

i have 1500 dollars worth of moving charges to prove it.

f.

i didn't want to get in a fight today but I did.

to be fair, I also resolved some things.

oh my god.

life feels bleak but hopeful.

i guess this is the most paradoxical post ever. but that's okay/isn't okay (ha.)

one mini cry-session.
the first in awhile.
everything will be okay
i just don't want to hurt anymore.

okay. I just thought of Jack Layton's words.

Calm washed over me 

good thing they're tattooed on my ankle forever.

above photos are my view form the hotel last night.
ew. friends. come to montreal.

xox(ish)