02.20 December 28, 2011

I FINALLY got around to editing a few photos (yes, at 1:24am and yes instead of packing, and YES, while lying in bed).

How good I feel right now though...ugh. it's amazing! Although these memories in the photos are far from being pertinent any longer [read: entire life transformation since they were taken] they still serve as a really nice reminder of that first summer I lived in Montreal, exploring parts of Quebec I'd never heard of.

It just feels so good to have some time to myself.

this is what i want to yield for the upcoming year.

à bientôt

xox

02.19. December 22/23rd

the people who know me best live in Winnipeg

but we're not friends anymore

tonight was a clear example of that

If Montreal is my home, then where are my friends there? Where are the people who I can hang out with? walk with? Talk with? Go to shows with?

Being in Winnipeg makes me feel lonely.

the person I thought would know me best, still does. And that's comforting. It's a bittersweet comfort though since our lives are not nearly as in tandem as we once thought they would be.

And while I'm so happy for him (and genuinely, at that!) it still reinforces my loneliness.

Yes...the hardest part of moving is this: I'm split. I'm discovering. Recovering. Downsizing.

Still yearning for a sense of home...not within someone, but rather WITH someone.

I have so much love to share.

But as of now, no one to share it with.

i really, really want this to change.

xox

02.18.

i almost did it.

almost.

but, at the last moment, things fell apart and i'm coming back home tomorrow a broken woman again.

i can't figure out how i feel. it's like i pretend to by cynical, knowing i'll be proven wrong, but then i never get proven wrong. my cynicism is founded.

i'll say: He stood me up.

they'll say: No way! Something probably came up.

i'll say: no he for sure stood me up.

two days later, he'll say: yes. I stood you up.

It's like I assume and proclaim the worst in hopes of jinxing it.

this anthem of mine..."it doesn't matter what I say or what I do, I'm what's wrong. If I'm not hurting myself, I'm hurting everyone around me. There's nothing I can do about it."

and fuck it hurts. I feel this city becoming everything I tried to leave in Winnipeg.

I want to be open to love but as soon as I am I'm destroyed by it. This was supposed to be different.

everything was supposed to be different

whether i liked it or not.

cynical or not, even i don't know what I'm supposed to do right now.

winnipeg in 24 hours. i'll make it just fine.

02.17.

I finally just finished school and checked my email. My best had sent me this link.

call me sappy

call me relieved

or maybe I'm just hungry

but it really, really moved me.

check it:

1. Stop spending time with the wrong people. – Life is too short to spend time with people who suck the happiness out of you. If someone wants you in their life, they’ll make room for you. You shouldn’t have to fight for a spot. Never, ever insist yourself to someone who continuously overlooks your worth. And remember, it’s not the people that stand by your side when you’re at your best, but the ones who stand beside you when you’re at your worst that are your true friends.
2. Stop running from your problems. – Face them head on. No, it won’t be easy. There is no person in the world capable of flawlessly handling every punch thrown at them. We aren’t supposed to be able to instantly solve problems. That’s not how we’re made. In fact, we’re made to get upset, sad, hurt, stumble and fall. Because that’s the whole purpose of living – to face problems, learn, adapt, and solve them over the course of time. This is what ultimately molds us into the person we become.
3. Stop lying to yourself. – You can lie to anyone else in the world, but you can’t lie to yourself. Our lives improve only when we take chances, and the first and most difficult chance we can take is to be honest with ourselves. Read The Road Less Traveled.
4. Stop putting your own needs on the back burner. – The most painful thing is losing yourself in the process of loving someone too much, and forgetting that you are special too. Yes, help others; but help yourself too. If there was ever a moment to follow your passion and do something that matters to you, that moment is now.
5. Stop trying to be someone you’re not. – One of the greatest challenges in life is being yourself in a world that’s trying to make you likeeveryone else. Someone will always be prettier, someone will always be smarter, someone will always be younger, but they will never be you. Don’t change so people will like you. Be yourself and the right people will love the real you.
6. Stop trying to hold onto the past. – You can’t start the next chapter of your life if you keep re-reading your last one.
7. Stop being scared to make a mistake. – Doing something and getting it wrong is at least ten times more productive than doing nothing. Every success has a trail of failures behind it, and every failure is leading towards success. You end up regretting the things you did NOT do far more than the things you did.
8. Stop berating yourself for old mistakes. – We may love the wrong person and cry about the wrong things, but no matter how things go wrong, one thing is for sure, mistakes help us find the person and things that are right for us. We all make mistakes, have struggles, and even regret things in our past. But you are not your mistakes, you are not your struggles, and you are here NOW with the power to shape your day and your future. Every single thing that has ever happened in your life is preparing you for a moment that is yet to come.
9. Stop trying to buy happiness. – Many of the things we desire are expensive. But the truth is, the things that really satisfy us are totally free – love, laughter and working on our passions.
10. Stop exclusively looking to others for happiness. – If you’re not happy with who you are on the inside, you won’t be happy in a long-term relationship with anyone else either. You have to create stability in your own life first before you can share it with someone else. Read Stumbling on Happiness.
11. Stop being idle. – Don’t think too much or you’ll create a problem that wasn’t even there in the first place. Evaluate situations and take decisive action. You cannot change what you refuse to confront. Making progress involves risk. Period! You can’t make it to second base with your foot on first.
12. Stop thinking you’re not ready. – Nobody ever feels 100% ready when an opportunity arises. Because most great opportunities in life force us to grow beyond our comfort zones, which means we won’t feel totally comfortable at first.
13. Stop getting involved in relationships for the wrong reasons. – Relationships must be chosen wisely. It’s better to be alone than to be in bad company. There’s no need to rush. If something is meant to be, it will happen – in the right time, with the right person, and for the best reason. Fall in love when you’re ready, not when you’re lonely.
14. Stop rejecting new relationships just because old ones didn’t work. – In life you’ll realize that there is a purpose for everyone you meet. Some will test you, some will use you and some will teach you. But most importantly, some will bring out the best in you.
15. Stop trying to compete against everyone else. – Don’t worry about what others doing better than you. Concentrate on beating your own records every day. Success is a battle between YOU and YOURSELF only.
16. Stop being jealous of others. – Jealousy is the art of counting someone else’s blessings instead of your own. Ask yourself this: “What’s something I have that everyone wants?”
17. Stop complaining and feeling sorry for yourself. – Life’s curveballs are thrown for a reason – to shift your path in a direction that is meant for you. You may not see or understand everything the moment it happens, and it may be tough. But reflect back on those negative curveballs thrown at you in the past. You’ll often see that eventually they led you to a better place, person, state of mind, or situation. So smile! Let everyone know that today you are a lot stronger than you were yesterday, and you will be.
18. Stop holding grudges. – Don’t live your life with hate in your heart. You will end up hurting yourself more than the people you hate. Forgiveness is not saying, “What you did to me is okay.” It is saying, “I’m not going to let what you did to me ruin my happiness forever.” Forgiveness is the answer… let go, find peace, liberate yourself! And remember, forgiveness is not just for other people, it’s for you too. If you must, forgive yourself, move on and try to do better next time.
19. Stop letting others bring you down to their level. – Refuse to lower your standards to accommodate those who refuse to raise theirs.
20. Stop wasting time explaining yourself to others. – Your friends don’t need it and your enemies won’t believe it anyway. Just do what you know in your heart is right.
21. Stop doing the same things over and over without taking a break. – The time to take a deep breath is when you don’t have time for it. If you keep doing what you’re doing, you’ll keep getting what you’re getting. Sometimes you need to distance yourself to see things clearly.
22. Stop overlooking the beauty of small moments. – Enjoy the little things, because one day you may look back and discover they were the big things. The best portion of your life will be the small, nameless moments you spend smiling with someone who matters to you.
23. Stop trying to make things perfect. – The real world doesn’t reward perfectionists, it rewards people who get things done. Read Getting Things Done.
24. Stop following the path of least resistance. – Life is not easy, especially when you plan on achieving something worthwhile. Don’t take the easy way out. Do something extraordinary.
25. Stop acting like everything is fine if it isn’t. – It’s okay to fall apart for a little while. You don’t always have to pretend to be strong, and there is no need to constantly prove that everything is going well. You shouldn’t be concerned with what other people are thinking either – cry if you need to – it’s healthy to shed your tears. The sooner you do, the sooner you will be able to smile again.
26. Stop blaming others for your troubles. – The extent to which you can achieve your dreams depends on the extent to which you take responsibility for your life. When you blame others for what you’re going through, you deny responsibility – you give others power over that part of your life.
27. Stop trying to be everything to everyone. – Doing so is impossible, and trying will only burn you out. But making one person smile CAN change the world. Maybe not the whole world, but their world. So narrow your focus.
28. Stop worrying so much. – Worry will not strip tomorrow of its burdens, it will strip today of its joy. One way to check if something is worth mulling over is to ask yourself this question: “Will this matter in one year’s time? Three years? Five years?” If not, then it’s not worth worrying about.
29. Stop focusing on what you don’t want to happen. – Focus on what you do want to happen. Positive thinking is at the forefront of every great success story. If you awake every morning with the thought that something wonderful will happen in your life today, and you pay close attention, you’ll often find that you’re right.
30. Stop being ungrateful. – No matter how good or bad you have it, wake up each day thankful for your life. Someone somewhere else is desperately fighting for theirs. Instead of thinking about what you’re missing, try thinking about what you have that everyone else is missing.

xoxox.

02.16.

il ne vas pas te-cherches.

te-trouves.

t'es perdu, et ca c'est qu'il veut.

02.15.

with only a couple of exceptions, no one in this city is all that kind.

people who i thought were friends... 

definitely not.

02.14. December 1

Today is World AIDS Day.

Noted?

Oh sigh. It's also the first of december, which means...I've been here for eleven months.

i really don't live in winnipeg anymore.

I'm still waiting to find a group i really belong to. I'm content though. i have colleagues. some of which are friends. and, when school wraps up, I'm kind of intrigued with the idea of some self-led expeditions.

my mind, body and soul are all begging for school to finish. these essays are killing us. oh no. Why am I speaking in plural?

Rather, these essays are killing me. Two more essays then two finals (which are actually essays) means I can wrap it all up by December 16th.

Now that it's December and all, I have Christmas on the mind! What would December 1st be without a Christmas wish list? What's that you say? modest? oh puh-leeze!

in case you need more reason, proof: i'm listening to greensleeves and drinking eggnog. FIRST EGGNOG OF 2011! mon dieu, mon dieu!! tellement bonne!

since this is my blog and i'm not exactly world-famous for my humbleness (tee hee, world famous and humble), here's the list:

[click each "this" to see the item]

this

this

this

this

this

this

this

this

this

this

this

this

grey knit scarf

grey knit mittens

this

a variety of this

lots of these

easy-lever wine opener

Soiree Bottle-Top Wine Decanter Aerator

Flowered-scarf (like the ones we saw in France Mum)

Contact lenses

flight to africa.

Dentist appointment

Computer desk

Joe fresh nail polish – purple and/or brown and/or grey

Grocery store gift certs (stores: Provigo, Metro, Les Cing Saisons)

SAQ gift certificates [www.saq.com]

haircut with bangs

maybe this all sounds presumptuous but I'm trying to reinvent myself, right?

I also need a baking sheet and a martini shaker.

this is going out in email form as well, so not to worry.

2012 will be a year of inner beauty, outer beauty, stripes, and photos.

xox

à bientôt

k

yep.

one last gasping breath

one more heart on my sleeve

and then it was done.

i'm open to love.

missing winnipeg

loving montreal

it's nice to feel torn over something other than love, isn't it?

positive re-affirmation:

-"how are you doing?"

-"I'm amazing."

&

i guess i really am.

02.13.

i wish i was

some little sparrow

and i had wings

and i could fly

oh i'd fly right by

to my false true lover

while he's talking i'd deny.

but i'm not some little sparrow

and i've no wings.

and i can't fly.

so i'll stay right here.

in my grief and sorrow.

let my times pass me by.

02.12. November 19, 2011

alright life followers. here is a picture post produced par procrastination.

I'll walk you through it a bit.

1) I've been doing a bit of promo photography for Newtown. One of our bartenders, Bree, invented a new drink to add to our cocktail list, and I was asked to take a couple photos of the drink, the brains and beauty behind the operation and that's it. Except it wasn't. I loved shooting Bree so much that I spent about an hour taking photos of her. She's had experience modelling, she is a complete delight and very down-to-earth. It also helped that because her new drink is called Cherry-Cola, we were able to have very ambient-appropriate lighting (the whole lounge is red, purple and the lights were dim, giving a brownish-glow). 

I am admittedly awful at Photoshop/other editing software, so I prefer to just try to get the best shot possible without editing. Some of these are touched up in little bits, but for the most part it's just Bree, looking breeutiful (eww. I had to. Sorry.) 

Next, we have a couple of shots from Club Empire - the club on the basement level of Newtown. The shots are from two separate events (including the time I got to shoot Selena Gomez's after-show party!!! Don't know who she is? I didn't either. oops.)

Then we switch to a few shots of the coffee shop where I work. Random shots mostly. Actually all of them are random. There's then some autumn captured. I'm so spoiled by Montreal Autumns, apparently. The weather has been atypically warm (I have never experienced such a beautiful November). Everywhere I turned, I felt inspired and found myself bringing my camera with me even on short trips out. 

Even with such an ominous-looking sky, the colours jump out and literally left me breathless sometimes. 

I've attached a few photos of my random trip to Ottawa a month back - I can't remember if I'd already attached them, but due to severe neglect of blog, I'm attaching some of my favourites (and some of myself for good measure. [gawd. so. vain.] )

you will notice all the ones of me are rotated to the side, and I can't figure out how to straighten them out (instantaneous vain karma?)

and then all the breath-taking photos at the end of the post...those are of my apartment. I wake up in the morning and open my bedroom door onto a long hallway that ends with an East-facing window, so there's a constant stream of sunlight pouring into the apartment for about an hour. I sit and drink my espresso, close my eyes and genuinely smile. 

yes.

i'm back to smiling with my eyes.

Isn't my place beautiful? Won't you come visit? 

This is a really bland post in the sense that I don't explore any emotion, but it's important. I can't wait to have time to be creative again. I'm itching to explore something creative.

Also, I think I'm bailing on law and leaning more towards journalism. I'm so inspired right now I'm doing pliés in the hallwés.

enjoy.

a morning of god-like impressions

crunch.

dinner with my room mate! maple-whiskey infused egg-noodle tortellini with a campofiorin and avocados with herbed goat cheese and balsamic vinegar. 

i, cook.

the first from my fashion show shoot

more to come soon, I hope!

so excited to see my family at christmas! it's not too soon to start getting excited!!!

à bientôt

xox

k!