up and down and up and down

i hate this.

up: i made it to montreal

down: it's a lot of work

up: I have a job

down: I'm in the doghouse there, and am being punished by only being scheduled once all week

up: I have a place to live

down: none of my stuff will be here for a few days

up: I don't want to be bitter

down: I am.

up: I spoke my mind

down: so did he.

an hour ago I wanted to blog "go ahead world, send anything my way, I can CLEARLY handle it"

but I can't handle it all.

I'm so angry and hurt.

a lie of omission - a life of omission.
"i didn't kick you out"

it's true. i was just left with no other options. it was a process of elimination.
ironic that the last song I ever listened to in our old place was this:

what it is and where it stops nobody knows

you gave me a life I never chose

I wanna leave but the world won't let me go

i miss my bestfriend.
miss it all, actually.

Winnipeg was great and sorrowful and weird and wonderful. I met new people (even people I'd met before had changed so radically, it was just like meeting new people); I saw old friends, newish friends. I dealt with crises, and enjoyed the simplicity of routine and familiarity. I lived out of a suitcase, but it was in my old room at my mum's house and so it didn't feel like living in a suitcase.

montreal is now my home.

i have 1500 dollars worth of moving charges to prove it.

f.

i didn't want to get in a fight today but I did.

to be fair, I also resolved some things.

oh my god.

life feels bleak but hopeful.

i guess this is the most paradoxical post ever. but that's okay/isn't okay (ha.)

one mini cry-session.
the first in awhile.
everything will be okay
i just don't want to hurt anymore.

okay. I just thought of Jack Layton's words.

Calm washed over me 

good thing they're tattooed on my ankle forever.

above photos are my view form the hotel last night.
ew. friends. come to montreal.

xox(ish)

beautiful colours.

record temperatures.

xox

nice times with one of the bests.

5 days til life...whoa

xox

"i can't do a fucking thing about it"

ugh the quality of my life has seriously sunk - as demonstrated in these awful photos.

bleh.

525 emails gone.

reason 9440 that my mum is the best ever:

hair dyer

no questions asked.

new glasses.

new hair.

started packing forever.

ack! dare I say I'm excited???

xox

bleak much?

plot thickens with an unforeseen twist.

eff.

*edit*

sentiments this exact second:

"When Dad left I was 14 and I said 'that's it. never again. No man. and then I meet someone. And this wonderful man happens to me and then he's gone...what's the point? I'm so angry. I'm alone and it doesn't matter what job I have or what I do or what I don't do or what friends I have. He's not here. I'm not here. I mean you're alone no matter what..."

ugh.

so I moved in with a guy friend who has shown me the most compassion ever.

he has cats.

he lives downtown.

he said I can stay here until at least April.

we cook together

we drink together

we watch movies

yesterday in the midst of an "i miss my old life" moment he let me just cry and cry and cry

I've been reading a lot of poetry and it's so soothing. I don't know who this person is that I have become but I'm strong. ish.

I figure I can only depend on myself. I am the only person in the whole world that won't abandon me.

Except, of course, when I abandon myself.

maybe soemtiems we gotta trust ourselves not to scream out loud and run like hell.

believe me.

all the days you're unsure

believe in me

i don't want to anymore

and in the dark

picture me in your mind

and i'll lay with you

you don't have to be scared at night.

some very meaningful lyrics by kathleen edwards.

I guess the worst part is that I have been set back. That I feel I have to restart. Everything.

That I need to get furniture

regain sorely lost confidence

that i need to reclaim my passions.

I need to find faith in love again. It seems that it always lets me down.

I keep loving and losing. and I don't want to believe they're related

some scathing words spoken in the heat of an angry moment that are now implanted in my core. words i didn't want to believe, but did.

i feel so alone but at the same time, if i can only depend on myself, ever, than I'm only as alone as I allow myself to feel.

someday, someone won't want to see me go.

I have a friend who I have spent a lot of time with recently who actually makes me feel appreciated

who seems to know me so well

I wish I could properly convey all my appreciation.

I guess once I'm feeling a bit less broken, I will.

this is all over the place.

i miss my family.

i miss my best friends.

i miss comfort.

that's it.

I really miss comfort.

really so much.

k.

i can only use lines and scenes from other movies to describe how i'm feeling

lots of "what was it all for?"
&
"he's not here....I'm not here"

&
other things like that.

routine motions.
routine motions.
routine motions.
routine emotions.

tu me manques

plus.

i can't believe i survived yesterday.

i smelled the pillows as i was leaving.

and now it's done.

i'm gone.

suddenly everything has changed

just calling to hear the answering machine greeting.

i'm spinning. 

i'm trying to find home in myself but i don't know how to right now.

i feel worthless. the only thing I thought I know how to do, I failed at. The only thing that came to me naturally, ever, I fail and fail and fail at.

I'm trying to feel strong. I'm trying to be the best everything I can be and I realize that no matter what I do 

i'm what's wrong

I don't understand how my life came so unraveled so quickly and I'm sitting in a new house and I don't have anything of my own and I'm just watching seconds pass by and wondering how I ended up here and how to not close my eyes and get back into where I was.

I miss everything and I just need to keep not thinking. I hate not thinking because it's the only thing I can do

I can think and I can love and I have nowhere to go with my thoughts because they always end up back at the same place.

I would say I feel empty but I'm filled with a lot of pain right now, so I know I'm not empty.

i am trying and failing and trying and failing and trying and failing and I don't have it in me anymore to try just to fail and yet the only thing I can do is try. 

I literally take each thought as it comes and mentally pick it up and throw it away.

if i stop for too long then thoughts flood me.

curiosity floods me.

fuck.

I hurt.all.over. and I never asked for this. I never wanted this.

I want my old life back and I can never have it back.

I deleted over 3000 pictures yesterday

it feels like everything I worked at and tried to do for the last 8 months failed.

I failed. 

and

all I know is that now I have this horrible feeling. this hard spot in my chest

and i wish it wasn't there

and i don't know how to repair it

and i don't know what to do

or where to go

or who to see

or when it will stop.

k

on & off tears.

but there is a tremendous outpouring of love here and that might be where the tears are borne.

i feel strong resentment and I don't want to.

yesterday we had a staff meeting at work - attendance was mandatory- and I looked around and realized that every single person there had just swooped in and helped me in the last week in varying degrees.

a year ago today i was in iceland, exploring a country completely foreign to me. I didn't know anything, didn't speak the language, didn't know anything about the country.

but somehow, i managed to see so much beautiful (which is not hard to do in iceland)

I guess I feel the same right now. 

I climbed onto a roof the other day and had a lovely photoshoot/hangout with two dear friends and when I was climbing down I had this sudden acute feeling of fear. Not anxiety or panic but just cold, hard fear.

I made one friend feel my heart beat. 

I couldn't remember the last time I had felt so intensely.

not intensely sad or intensely anxious.

just intense.

this makes no sense. I'm going to write an essay instead.

unwanted, unprecedented, but not entirely unnecessary

i don't want his sentiments.

Here I am, hopeful again
I can't say when
I wasn't this way

Don't need to worry about me
That's what I say
It's not what I mean

Here I am, swinging alone
A timeframe surrounds the pictures I hold
But they don't hold up well
Started to wonder if I fell in love with you at all
If I fell in love with you at all

And when will a time come
I could hear a sad love song, that doesn't speak to me
And when will a time come
I could sing a nice love song, using thou and me

Here I am, walking away
My head's held high
What's the use gettin' down
Because all that I wanted is here
I just kept the ground, close to my ears
-- - -- -- - - - --- - - - -


i built a monument
for the love we used to know.
but that is far removed,
and you say that i'm gonna be okay.
and yeah, i'm gonna be okay.
but it doesn't seem that way.
no love, not today.

thought you were made for me
and we shared our history
and in time you'll tear your eyes far away.
like a rubbernecker's gaze
is it really safe to say
that we're just made that way,
made to brave the pain?

'cause i was told to get out
told to leave
told to have my things in the parking lot.

---------------------------------------
I was a blindfold, never complained 
All the survivors singing in the rain 
I was the one with the world at my feet 
Got us a battle, leave it up to me 

What it is and where it stops nobody knows 
You gave me a life I never chose 
I wanna leave but the world won't let me go 
Wanna leave but the world won't let me go 

I was the one with the world at my feet 
Got us a battle, leave it up to me Leave it up to me 

three songs I've been playing over and over and over again

I woke up this morning with a rose and piece of chocolate next to my bed

and i'm really okay.

songs: 

that's what I say not what I mean - Feist

Ambulance - Eisley

Blindness- Metric

xox

k

stumbling block:

writing the address on an envelope

&

having no return address to write down.

august second two thousand eleven

I named this chapter of my life "chaos"
I'm leaving the universe in charge of everything.

it's the only thing to do.

for the panic-stricken who i have spoken to in recent hours and days:

there's a roof over my head

a balcony at my bedside

two cats at my feet

and a bottle of wine on my bedside table.

day by day

minute by minute.

for now, i'm keeping my xo's to myself.

k